Smashing clay is fun! Unless you are the clay.

This morning I sat down to read my Jesus Calling book. I was reading today Jan 23rd, and the message was essentially do not be ashamed of our humanity. Just recognize when I get distracted, and turn my mind and attention back to His presence. We all get distracted from what's most important. The message was as long as we continue to return to him frequently throughout the day, this would allow the cultivation of a quiet and gentle spirit which pleases him. I thought to myself, "A quiet and gentle spirit? Me? Yeah right."The vision of the undisciplined tinker bell came to mind.

As I walked to my blogging chair, I was presently reminded my body also has a voice. I don't think I have been very good at listening to it, lately. Too distracted I guess. I am very active, and although not an athlete, my friends would describe me as athletic. I need to move. So unless you bolt me down, there is not a whole lot that is going to stop me. I have a lot of energy. If I'm injured and there is a brace and some exercises I can do, that means I can keep moving and living my life.

Except now. After my third injury to my lower extremities in 4 months. I am sitting. This has gotten my attention. Reality Check: I am not yet 60, and yet I have had 11 injuries or surgeries on the lower half of my body in the past 19 years. I am tired of being in an orthopedic walking boot. I am sick of it. It is exhausting to walk with an odd gait, it takes forever to get around, and I worry about what other body parts are being injured due to the compromised ambulation. Essentially I am so tired of my darn self.

I could ask God why me? Why me again? Why me this time? But I have been here so many times, that I am tired of asking. Honestly, He is probably tired of me asking because He knows I do not listen. So instead this time, I have made a decision. Boot or no boot, I am staying off my feet. Spiritually, emotionally and physically I feel like the universe has been trying to get my attention, and if I do not get it now, I deserve to feel the way I do. Beat down. I feel smashed down. Hard. I've felt this way before, but I didn't stay down for long. I felt this way this summer after my paddle board injury. But as soon as I had a complicated knee brace that could keep up with me, I was off like a shot. Nothing could slow me down. Eight weeks later I broke my left ankle. But, I only had to wear an aircast! I could use this with my regular shoes. This did not slow me down in the least. Working full time as a hospice nurse, putting together a virtual baby shower for my daughter when I had no idea what I was doing ,Thanksgiving guests and dinners, and the holiday season in full swing. I didn't miss a beat. Thankfully it healed, and I was air cast free mid-December.

In January, I really wanted to get this body moving again, but the left ankle was still bothering me, now in two spots. I twisted it again at Christmas. But I reasoned, the Orthopedic told me, in addition to the avulsion fracture, I sprained the ligaments of the ankle. That can take months to heal, and for the swelling to go down. He also said, the ligaments and tendons have now stretched a bit, and it could be unstable. He strongly emphasized balance is the number one thing to work on in our age group. "Got it!" I said. with my customary thumbs up.

Only I guess I didn't get it. Because I not only broke my ankle again in the same area, the fracture was larger now. On top of that I had another small fracture at the arch of the foot. Humiliated I realized I had been walking on it like this for weeks. Smart. Just like a anchorless Tinker Bell who does not know her ground I thought to myself, as I envisioned her flitting around like a loose ping pong ball.

I have got to stop, I thought to myself. I just have to. As I sat with the PA, the events of two days prior flashed across the green screen of my mind, when I was multitasking like all of us, (ie. texting) and slipped on at blueberry at Meijer. I ended up doing the splits, on my broken ankle, arthritic joints and injured right knee. Recalling this, and now sitting there in the doctor's office, I felt stupid, humiliated and ashamed. How could I do this again? I felt then and still feel now smashed down to the ground. And when I read that quiet and gentle spirit passage in the book, at first I laughed it off. Yeah, not me. But then the vision of throwing that clay onto the work surfaced streamed across my mind's eye, and that's exactly how I felt. I felt like that piece of clay, thrown down so hard. And then I was reminded of what it was I was being shown. Let me mold you, rang in my years. The first step after breaking off and weighing your clay, is to throw it as hard as you can on the work surface, several times. This gives the piece a shape you can then begin to work with.

Reflecting on my situation with these fractures, and the sense of being the thrown piece of clay, He has my attention. Now what? I do not know. But I do know if I pay attention, and continue to have my eyes, heart and soul be open for His path, the way will be lit.

During a 50 minute drive, one way, to pronounce a death on one of our patients, I had a profound experience. It is visually, viscerally, physically and psychically seared into my heart changing me forever. On a wintery Sunday night in December 2020, one of the darkest nights of the year I learned forever, though we may not see the entire road ahead, if I trust in God, He will light my path.